im gonna bitch again

i feel like a girl cosplaying as a girl, like im not feminine or pretty or anything and if i do dress up i feel like im putting on a costume, righ? liek im deceiving someone by dressing traditionally feminine

 when i dress comfortably (because i am goth) i feel a lot better and not as uncomfortable because it almost feels like i'm getting to express (outwardly) how i feel about myself internally and i get to express myself in my own way. THAT makes me feel good. 

i do want to try makeup, though. last time i had anything done was during freshman year for some dance, and although i felt nice i still thought of my outfit and my hair and makeup as a costume. it felt like putting lipstick on a pig. i looked "pretty," sure, but not like myself but moreso a character i was putting on. i just looked rather generic. 

today, one of my classmates dressed as a flapper and had lovely makeup on that accentuated her features and made her look womanly. i don't feel all that womanly. in the past year or so ive truly started to see myself and the girls my age (mainly classmates) look like young women more than just girls, but i still feel kind of childish and like ive been left behind to scramble and pick up the pieces. ive never done my own makeup or really had it done. i don't wear extensions or wigs or lashes. ve had one driving lesson and im still figuring out the road signs while everyone else is already driving or working towards their license. my mom says ive grown into a young woman but i don't believe her.

 the hell was that all about

 i'm 1000% sure my mom was put onto this planet solely to aggravate and annoy me. i was rather delighted that she went off to some club earlier and so i went to go curl up in the kitchen and (since i was comfortable) played my music really loud. she apparently had anounced she was home and felt the need to scream a bunch about how if there's a breakin i wouldn't be able to hear it (even though that's highly improbable because all of our neighbors have really good security systems set up and a bunch of cameras, also she just made my paranoia worse by insinuating that and eas just generally being aggravating by saying stupid shit like that. now im all anxious and i keep hearing tapping t my window after i went to my room to get away from her being an annoyance (probably on purpose because she gets a rise out of aggravating me im sure)) i think im about to lose it im so frustrated and overwhelmed and irritated and just pissed off because of her and then she just had to rub it in and insinuate that im angry because i'm on my period or some stupid shit like that. i already think about someone breaking in and killing me or doing something worse all the time especially at night i don't even know hwy she says dumb shit like that to piss me off and aggravate me and she won't even comfort me or ask me what's wrong or anything. all she does is bother me and rile me up all the time like she gets satisfaction out of pissing me off and being a burden and an annoyance. i'm currently praying to god and listening to affirmations sothat when i cut i wont be punished by the universe for it and that everything is gonna work out in my favor (because it should) and that my mom apologizes and hugs me and tells me she's worried or SOMETHING 

 it really sucks knowing that i have math homeowrk to do but i wanna stay on the computer but being on the computer means i stay up being unproductive but i need to do my homework and i cant just sit here and not do it bcuz i wont have time in the morning

 what was that all about

im gonna try to be normal and then updat here

 i dont know why i feel so damn irritable and disgusted with myseflf like im just gonna explode. maybe this is because i was scrolling social media and a marilyn manson song happened to come up and i heard it and now the universe is punishingme for it but maybe i'm invoking it myself becausei keep saying thats hwtas gonna happen and then it happens so maybe if i listen to more affirmations and pray more and then affirm to myself that im safe and no oneis gonna punish me because everything works in my favor and i will always win then maybe i wont be as angry and freaked out and weird and fucked up i wish i werent like this and that i didnt have these thoughts adn my brain and i were normal and could cope with stuff and if i didnt see some vaguely worded post on the internet that im sure was about me that set me off so terribly and i wish i wasnt so miserable and angry and worried and wrong always and that i Knew more even though i do because i am probably divinely blessed which is very likely and thats maybe why the universe and god keeps makingme sad and angry and weird and wantign to scratch off my skin becasue ill always return from it with some divine knwolege on how to fix stuff and that th e universe sways towards me and i am safe and everyhting wll work in my favor and i wont feel so humiliated in school and slow and weird and wrong and that the universe and god will bless me soon if i just stop thinking so negatively and if i just affirm and bless myself and think about good stuff and listen to more affirmations and clear my head 

 i write like im talking to an audience of thousands even tho the only person ive given the link is my boyfriend. lol

 by the way i'm gonna post what i wrote about bjork and trent reznor soon 

 this is also gonna sound odd but the sky determines how my day is gonna go, but HEAR ME OUT MAN

okay so on school days (and generally) if the sun is really bright and there's beautiful colors outside, like i can see the sun peeking through the trees and everything looks lovely that means my day is gonna go very well

then if it's dark and cloudy and rainy my day is likely gonna go to shit

usually i have bright niceness outside but sometimes it's grey out and that makes me really panicked because ill have an unfortunate day and bad luck

and also having an unfortunate day and bad luck worried me so bad because i feel like the world's gonna end. like everything's gone to shit and the universe is against me and i will be endlessly miserable and i will never feel happiness or joy AGAIN. 

i take da sky vry srsly k

 that trent reznor guy is really awesome 

 back to school by deftones is a really pleasing song to listen to and i don't exactly know why. i don't even like numetal or deftones but i really love how chinos vocals sound in this song. in the first verse, it starts with this little jangly guitar section and then bombards you with this sweet riff and chino screaming, it's sweet. moreno then takes this rap-rock approach to his vocals and leads into the chorus (which is an earworm in its own right.) i really love how he says "now that you need it/us?" and "we are the leaders of it all" and then immediately transitions back into being fred durst. second verse is basically the same as the first. the theree the best part. god i love how he delivers "traaaanspoooose" especially the second time when his voice gets raspy. then, the bridge. i love the layering of vocals here and how it then goes right back into the chorus with "right back to square!" after that the chorus repeats and the song ends. it's really sweet. 

tldr; traaaanspoooose

 in addition to that last post i have to listen to music or do things at a certain time to ensure it:

- all the young dudes must be listened to the night before so that i will be lucky the following day

OR

- mayonaise must be listened to the morning before first period to ensure good luck for the school day and/or entire day

- subliminals must be listened to before bed

 this is gonna sound really weird but i believe the media i consume affects how my day will go. for example, if i listen to certain music or watch certain things ill have bad/good luck. ill try to list them here and add on when i think of them:

                                          ~

bad luck: marilyn manson's music, drunk again by reel big fish (which sucks because i love that song), watching happy tree friends (which sucks because i love that cartoon), wearing rosaries (which sucks because i think they're cool)

good luck: all the young dudes by mott the hoople, mayonaise by smashing pumpkins, listening to affirmations and frequencies, wearing striped clothing (specifically my blue and white undergarments and striped tights/socks)

dubious/unconfirmed: the downward spiral by nine inch nails

 i feel very disgusting. my mom tells me i have a good figure but i don't believe it. i have skinny wrists but my thighs are big and my stomach pokes out all the time. it's really weird and i feel weird and eating just makes it worse. today i was very greedy and ate more than usual at school and when i got home i ate a lot more than usual as well. i really regret doing that because i had to face myself when i took a shower and it was really terrible because i was all trollish and bloated and big. usually girls my age don't look weird at 87-90lbs but i do and i hate it so bad. i told my mom i was gonna stop eating so much because i didn't want to look even uglier and she completely freaked out. it was more about me not eating and "wasting" food (that ill eat later albeit in small portions so i don't bloat and look gross) than about anything else. tomorrow im gonna try to fast or eat a little less so i don't look odd. i also took three laxatives so maybe that'll help me digest the food quicker so i can go ahead and get it out of my body without puking (which is hard sometimes) . i'm gonna try to pray or manifest that i slim down or something like I do at night (for various reasons). the girls at school are beautiful and put together and can do makeup and stuff but i feel like i wasn't given a manual or guide on how to be pretty or natural or normal and not "weird" or different. i feel like im pretending to be a teenager and on the inside there's a horrid creature trying to claw its way out of me like one of those things from alien (probably explains my bloating) . i have a math exam tomorrow i should probably go to sleep so ill stop thinking about everything (even though i know i can't and when i wake up my weird grotesque outer-shell that i have to pilot is gonna be there waiting )

 blogspot is a really funny website and i will start posting here more often, itll probably reduce the self-talking i do and increase the amount of written/typed stuff i put out (also helping me articulate my thoughts so i dont sound like a complete dumbass when i write)