i feel very disgusting. my mom tells me i have a good figure but i don't believe it. i have skinny wrists but my thighs are big and my stomach pokes out all the time. it's really weird and i feel weird and eating just makes it worse. today i was very greedy and ate more than usual at school and when i got home i ate a lot more than usual as well. i really regret doing that because i had to face myself when i took a shower and it was really terrible because i was all trollish and bloated and big. usually girls my age don't look weird at 87-90lbs but i do and i hate it so bad. i told my mom i was gonna stop eating so much because i didn't want to look even uglier and she completely freaked out. it was more about me not eating and "wasting" food (that ill eat later albeit in small portions so i don't bloat and look gross) than about anything else. tomorrow im gonna try to fast or eat a little less so i don't look odd. i also took three laxatives so maybe that'll help me digest the food quicker so i can go ahead and get it out of my body without puking (which is hard sometimes) . i'm gonna try to pray or manifest that i slim down or something like I do at night (for various reasons). the girls at school are beautiful and put together and can do makeup and stuff but i feel like i wasn't given a manual or guide on how to be pretty or natural or normal and not "weird" or different. i feel like im pretending to be a teenager and on the inside there's a horrid creature trying to claw its way out of me like one of those things from alien (probably explains my bloating) . i have a math exam tomorrow i should probably go to sleep so ill stop thinking about everything (even though i know i can't and when i wake up my weird grotesque outer-shell that i have to pilot is gonna be there waiting )