im gonna bitch again

i feel like a girl cosplaying as a girl, like im not feminine or pretty or anything and if i do dress up i feel like im putting on a costume, righ? liek im deceiving someone by dressing traditionally feminine

 when i dress comfortably (because i am goth) i feel a lot better and not as uncomfortable because it almost feels like i'm getting to express (outwardly) how i feel about myself internally and i get to express myself in my own way. THAT makes me feel good. 

i do want to try makeup, though. last time i had anything done was during freshman year for some dance, and although i felt nice i still thought of my outfit and my hair and makeup as a costume. it felt like putting lipstick on a pig. i looked "pretty," sure, but not like myself but moreso a character i was putting on. i just looked rather generic. 

today, one of my classmates dressed as a flapper and had lovely makeup on that accentuated her features and made her look womanly. i don't feel all that womanly. in the past year or so ive truly started to see myself and the girls my age (mainly classmates) look like young women more than just girls, but i still feel kind of childish and like ive been left behind to scramble and pick up the pieces. ive never done my own makeup or really had it done. i don't wear extensions or wigs or lashes. ve had one driving lesson and im still figuring out the road signs while everyone else is already driving or working towards their license. my mom says ive grown into a young woman but i don't believe her.