everytime my father calls me or comes over to deliver me snacks i feel a combination of pity and rage towards him

me and my mother left him in that old, decrepit house with cracked tiled floors and no central heating or air conditioning two years ago once she was fed up of his controlling and inane behaviors that she'd put up with for the past ~20 years

everytime we speak he talks about how much he misses me and wants me to call him more often, speak to him and tell him how i've been

i feel godawful every time. i usually forget to speak to him and then i'm reminded of that whenever he calls. 

it's a truly miserable thing because i want to hate him, for all of the suffering and abuse he's caused my mother (and by proxy, me) but i know he's suffering from some mental disorder. he would have delusions that my mother was cheating on him and then act insane (starting arguments, calling her out of her name, being violent). he seems to genuinely love me and wishes the best for me, but it's hard to love him back when i remember all of the horrible things he's done.

i just feel bad for him. whenever i go over to visit him, which is rare, he's living in an empty house. when we left, my mom left him some furniture and dishes. that's all he has. my bedroom is completely emptied and the living room and kitchen are almost barren. it's completely lifeless. he's practically living in squalor and it makes me sad to see him sitting in that miserable place, lonely. there's still cracks in the tiles and pieces of the tiles themselves missing from parts of the floor. 

he grew up having nothing, living in a house where he didn't have his own bedroom and rarely got the snacks and treats he gives me constantly. in the fall i'll be taking classes at the same college he dropped out of.

today he'd shown up after calling me multiple times and i felt horrible for being so dismissive towards him. all he wants is for me to talk to him, since he's lonely and miserable, sitting alone in that sad old house. he had tears in his eyes while he spoke to me and i couldn't face him whatsoever. he'd called me multiple times, probably to tell me he'd brought me food for the pantry as he tends to do, but i didn't want to speak to him for whatever reason (probably something stupid, i remember being angry or irritable). 

that was just plain cruel of me. even though he's done some awful things in the past, which weren't okay at all, i shouldn't give him the cold shoulder. my mom won't talk to him for her own reasons, but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't for whatever reason. i'm the only child of his that isn't an adult/independent and i'm probably the only person that he regularly misses and wants to talk to. i'm probably gonna text him and ask to hangout with him sometime this week. even though i usually forget to speak to him, i'm gonna try to make an effort to reach out to him more than i usually do. he could die tomorrow and i'd regret not interacing with him as much.

he's my father and i should atleast try to rekindle a relationship with him that's not based in hatred or pain