this is genuinely so hilarious that i feel like laughing at myself right now

for the past hour or so ive been looking into suicide and methods of suicide while listening to fucking KESHA lol

ive been feeling detached and tired and msierable and bored and listless and demotivated lately but it hasn't gotten to the point of legitimate suicidality

which i hope it doesn't get to, ive been there like once a few years ago and it just suuuuucked 

but its just a funny image. me, sitting straight-faced researching suicide methods and researching drinking anti-freeze while listening to kesha sing about partying and glitter and shit

my mom drank antifreeze and she vomited for a good bit so i don't think i should really do something like that unless its for some weird retribution eye-for-an-eye thing. i don't think she'd ever do that to me though. i still feel horrible about it.

i mean theres people with legitimate issues and then there's me doing silly shit like this

but if i did kill myself id probably hang myself or drink a cocktail of cleaning products. hanging is easy and not noticable or loud. i could totally go to a forest or something and just hang myself and noone would notice really. and then drinking cleaning solutions mixed would probably cause my organs to fail almost immediately but theres also the issue of probable vomiting and/or FEELING my bodily functions shut down and id be conscious during it. euugh. 

killing myself does sound nice id admit but i also don't want to cause my parents any sort of financial problems or any psychological issues. cremation is less than a burial but i'm sure they'd decide on a burial for some reason. that and my brother killed himself so that would be the worst thing i could ever do to my mother. my dad too. he didn't seem all that upset when my brother died but maybe he'd feel worse for me. ive read sue klebold's book and the turmoil she experienced after dylan died is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

also i think my friends wouldn't be too happy. my classmates might be indifferent though. "oh that weird quiet girl is dead. that sucks." and they'd be over it in a week.

i think i take myself too seriously sometimes

this is funny

don't stop make it pop dj blow my speakers up