god i want to die so bad it's not even funny

i've already been feeling like i'm at the end of my rope (which i will be soon, literally) but i think this just confirmed it

it's not even anything major really. it's just this slight thing my mom yelled at me about for whatever reason that just made me miserable.

i was a bit annoyed about having to clean out one of our appliances after she used it and she took it incredibly personal. she'd told me how ungrateful and lazy i was and i initially thought she was kidding because it seemed crazy to me to get so angry about something as small as that. even before that it seemed like she was purposefully trying to annoy and bother and pick at me (i basically said that i didn't like the smell of hotdogs being cooked in the air fryer and she'd gotten passive aggressive about it. then, she asked me some dumb question about students at my hign-school getting to stay overnight on the weekends at our local university. i said no, confused on why she'd asked in the first place, and she started sighing like she was annoyed.

she always does shit like that, annoy and irritate and pick at me and then act like i'm some evil bitch for being annoyed at her.

and little moments like that make me wonder if she loves me. i mean, this has been a thing since about puberty. i don't even know why she does it. i tell her i love her everyday and ask if she needs something and i tell her how much i appreciate her all the time. i don't know if she just wants a punching bag or what

and then the other day she was just acting passive aggressively towards me for no reason. i flat out told her that i felt miserable and then she just brushed it off as me being hormonal. then she just fucking screamed at me because i said that i wasn't trying to annoy her by entering/exiting the house. 

i hate living with my mom. anything i do is something to annoy or yell at me about. the only time she doesnt do that is when we're in public and she gets to brag about me taking university level classes at 16. 

fuuuck and then i feel like my own classmates and friends in real life don't like me. i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel like A doesn't really like me and i'm certain that none of them really do outside of a select few, but even that's pushing it. i feel so behind. all of the girls paint their faces and look absolutely gorgeous and i feel so awkward and weird and below them. my boyfriend's buddy obviously hates me for some odd reason and doesn't get anything but laughter from him. the only true refuge that i can find is in my online friends. the only bad thing about it is that they'd probably hate me if they knew me in person.

everything is so miserable and awful. i only have the energy to sleep all day and my mom takes any emotion other than pure happiness to be an attitude or defiance against her personally. i want to go away really badly but i can't think of how just yet

i wish i could sleep forever