i sound so emo 

 i'm supposed to be working on my summer assignment for journalism but i keep getting swept up in checking my last.fm and spotify.

don't wake me up by the hush sound is incredibly nostalgic for me. i associate it with cherry slushie cups and patrick stump and being 13

i wasn't thirteen all that long ago in actuality, but for a teenager that was practically an aeon ago and i kinda miss it despite being miserable

 i really like the donward spiral by nine inch nails

i especially like the layered screaming, and even the melancholic buildup to it throughout the song

i also like the effects added to trent's voice, how dreary "he put the gun up to his facccceeee...bang!" sounds and the slight delay of "face"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauauauuuaaaaaaaaauaaaauuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaauauaooaouauauauaaaaah!

 ville valo has such a gorgeous voice

his accent combined with his high falsetto(?) voice is incredibly soothing

his little flourishes in 'join me' such as his little whoa-oh's or how he pronounces "join me" and that final "this life aint worth livin'' in the bridge add a lot to the song

the instrumental of that song is very powerful and poignant, but never overpowers ville's singing and complements him especially well

the elegant piano is such a great detail, it perfectly suits HIM and their elegant, gothic "love metal"

would you die tonight for loooove

numetal isnt really that bad

 i really like chino moreno's singing on bored by deftones, especially towards the end where he starts screaming. ive always liked his voice despite not being the biggest fan of deftones, and i think it sounds really excellent on this track. 

in particular i like how he can go from singing softly before launching into a screech, which he kinda does on lotion from around teh fur. 

i like how he says "i get booooored!" especially in that second chorus, it's full of desperation

it also helps that deftones has superb instrumentation (i like the riffs and snare drums on adrenaline, atf, and white pony especially)

chino tends to sound exhausted almost. like he's been screaming and his voice is tired/strained but in a great way (e.g. lotion, needles and pins from self titled), and i like how he utilizes it 

(offtopic but needles and pins was one of my first deftones songs, approx early freshman year (aug/sep 22))

i wanna listen to more of them, ive mainly been skipping around from adrenaline-koi no yokan and i rlly want to delve into them

jeah

 sleeping is a really obnoxious thing that i love

lately i've been having these bizarre intrusive dreams about abhorrent shit (usually sexual) that are horrible. don't even know where they came from.

and then sleeping is so difficult because everytime i go to lie down my pillows have to be arranged in a certain way and i have to layer my blankets in a very particular way

that's mainly for the purpose of sensory comfort, like the feeling of something being weighted on me

dunno y, its been a thing since i was a kid

but i also have to make sure that it's not too suffocating or hot, very very strange

 everytime my father calls me or comes over to deliver me snacks i feel a combination of pity and rage towards him

me and my mother left him in that old, decrepit house with cracked tiled floors and no central heating or air conditioning two years ago once she was fed up of his controlling and inane behaviors that she'd put up with for the past ~20 years

everytime we speak he talks about how much he misses me and wants me to call him more often, speak to him and tell him how i've been

i feel godawful every time. i usually forget to speak to him and then i'm reminded of that whenever he calls. 

it's a truly miserable thing because i want to hate him, for all of the suffering and abuse he's caused my mother (and by proxy, me) but i know he's suffering from some mental disorder. he would have delusions that my mother was cheating on him and then act insane (starting arguments, calling her out of her name, being violent). he seems to genuinely love me and wishes the best for me, but it's hard to love him back when i remember all of the horrible things he's done.

i just feel bad for him. whenever i go over to visit him, which is rare, he's living in an empty house. when we left, my mom left him some furniture and dishes. that's all he has. my bedroom is completely emptied and the living room and kitchen are almost barren. it's completely lifeless. he's practically living in squalor and it makes me sad to see him sitting in that miserable place, lonely. there's still cracks in the tiles and pieces of the tiles themselves missing from parts of the floor. 

he grew up having nothing, living in a house where he didn't have his own bedroom and rarely got the snacks and treats he gives me constantly. in the fall i'll be taking classes at the same college he dropped out of.

today he'd shown up after calling me multiple times and i felt horrible for being so dismissive towards him. all he wants is for me to talk to him, since he's lonely and miserable, sitting alone in that sad old house. he had tears in his eyes while he spoke to me and i couldn't face him whatsoever. he'd called me multiple times, probably to tell me he'd brought me food for the pantry as he tends to do, but i didn't want to speak to him for whatever reason (probably something stupid, i remember being angry or irritable). 

that was just plain cruel of me. even though he's done some awful things in the past, which weren't okay at all, i shouldn't give him the cold shoulder. my mom won't talk to him for her own reasons, but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't for whatever reason. i'm the only child of his that isn't an adult/independent and i'm probably the only person that he regularly misses and wants to talk to. i'm probably gonna text him and ask to hangout with him sometime this week. even though i usually forget to speak to him, i'm gonna try to make an effort to reach out to him more than i usually do. he could die tomorrow and i'd regret not interacing with him as much.

he's my father and i should atleast try to rekindle a relationship with him that's not based in hatred or pain