i just went to go ask my mom how her day was and she then proceeded to ask me (passive aggressively of course) if i was feeling better and out of my bad attitude from the previous days.

i wish she'd understand that it's not an attitude or me being aggressive or mean or moody but that i just feel miserable. i don't understand how keeping to yourself and sleeping all day counts as an "attitude." i really want to die but she takes it as a personal attack. it's like she's looking for things to get mad and to yell at me about. 

i think anything that isn't a massive smile and pure happiness 25/8 is considered an attitude to adults and therefore you must be punished for not being a perfect little robot.

this sucks so bad i feel like my own mom hates me. i'm glad that my friends are here to support me and make me feel a little bit better but there's nothing like having my mom hug me or tell me that she loves me and cares about me and wants to help me in any way that she can.

atleast when i'm in bed or about to go to sleep i can think of my favorite person while listening to music. wish he were here.

 i sound so emo 

 to be honest i don't really know what she gets out of all of this

i wanted to clean the house as preparation if that makes sense

at 7am i got out of bed and completely cleaned my entire room. took my clothes out of my drawers, organized my closet, organized my nightstand, adjusted my sheets. then, i went onto my bathroom and scrubbed down my sink and toilet and tub and later mopped the floor. in the kitchen i cleaned the baseboards and wiped the walls and cleaned the dishes extra well and swept and even vacuumed our tiling before i mopped. i swept the leaves off of our back porch and vacuumed the living room, hallway, and my own room. 

i don't even think my mom noticed. or she did and she just doesn't want to acknowledge it because she's still angry at me and being passive aggressive for some reason. i think she's just looking for something to get angry at.

i feel like sighing and being a little bit annoyed about cleaning out an appliance, which i will admit was lazy on my behalf, probably didn't warrant  screaming in my face and being passive aggressive towards me the following day. 

i went and slashed my wrists pretty badly yesterday. i didn't go too deep but i bled a lot (to the point where i was getting a little concerned) and did a bunch on my arm where some old ones were starting to scab. it was cathartic in a weird way. i just wish my mom would understand that i've been feeling so miserable and lethargic and empty lately but i think she just believes it to be teenage boredom. i wanna tell her directly but i don't know how. 

to be honest i think she'd believe that i was lying for attention, she's done that before. in middle school i remember the school called her on false pretenses that something i said was to be taken as a suicide note (it wasn't, i was definitely thinking of offing myself but i wouldn't put that in any academic writings) and she'd gotten pissed as hell. that and the time she found out i was cutting in the 7th/8th grade. that sucked even worse. 

that and we had a suicide in our immediate family that basically ruined her. she talks about how she's so concerned about me and wants me to be safe but i can't entirely believe that. i feel like she views me as an extension of herself and my brother and she tends to project onto me quite a bit. lots and lots and lots of comparisons. 

and then she has the nerve to say that she's scared that i'll have violent outbursts because i watch violent movies and have a knife collection or something stupid like that. it's not out of genuine concern but probably because she likes/tends to antagonize me and make me out to be some angry and aggressive bitch who loves tormenting her mother personally.

she's making me even worse and i don't know if i see the point in doing any of my assignments leading up to the new school year. 

 6:22am

i don't even get a "good morning" or an "i love you" from my mom before she goes to work, just an "i hope your attitude improves" and a door slam

it's kind of hard to do that when i don't even feel motivated to get out of bed to dress myself or to do anything other than sleep or to cut myself or to think about something other than probably dying fml 

 god i want to die so bad it's not even funny

i've already been feeling like i'm at the end of my rope (which i will be soon, literally) but i think this just confirmed it

it's not even anything major really. it's just this slight thing my mom yelled at me about for whatever reason that just made me miserable.

i was a bit annoyed about having to clean out one of our appliances after she used it and she took it incredibly personal. she'd told me how ungrateful and lazy i was and i initially thought she was kidding because it seemed crazy to me to get so angry about something as small as that. even before that it seemed like she was purposefully trying to annoy and bother and pick at me (i basically said that i didn't like the smell of hotdogs being cooked in the air fryer and she'd gotten passive aggressive about it. then, she asked me some dumb question about students at my hign-school getting to stay overnight on the weekends at our local university. i said no, confused on why she'd asked in the first place, and she started sighing like she was annoyed.

she always does shit like that, annoy and irritate and pick at me and then act like i'm some evil bitch for being annoyed at her.

and little moments like that make me wonder if she loves me. i mean, this has been a thing since about puberty. i don't even know why she does it. i tell her i love her everyday and ask if she needs something and i tell her how much i appreciate her all the time. i don't know if she just wants a punching bag or what

and then the other day she was just acting passive aggressively towards me for no reason. i flat out told her that i felt miserable and then she just brushed it off as me being hormonal. then she just fucking screamed at me because i said that i wasn't trying to annoy her by entering/exiting the house. 

i hate living with my mom. anything i do is something to annoy or yell at me about. the only time she doesnt do that is when we're in public and she gets to brag about me taking university level classes at 16. 

fuuuck and then i feel like my own classmates and friends in real life don't like me. i stick out like a sore thumb. i feel like A doesn't really like me and i'm certain that none of them really do outside of a select few, but even that's pushing it. i feel so behind. all of the girls paint their faces and look absolutely gorgeous and i feel so awkward and weird and below them. my boyfriend's buddy obviously hates me for some odd reason and doesn't get anything but laughter from him. the only true refuge that i can find is in my online friends. the only bad thing about it is that they'd probably hate me if they knew me in person.

everything is so miserable and awful. i only have the energy to sleep all day and my mom takes any emotion other than pure happiness to be an attitude or defiance against her personally. i want to go away really badly but i can't think of how just yet

i wish i could sleep forever

 this is genuinely so hilarious that i feel like laughing at myself right now

for the past hour or so ive been looking into suicide and methods of suicide while listening to fucking KESHA lol

ive been feeling detached and tired and msierable and bored and listless and demotivated lately but it hasn't gotten to the point of legitimate suicidality

which i hope it doesn't get to, ive been there like once a few years ago and it just suuuuucked 

but its just a funny image. me, sitting straight-faced researching suicide methods and researching drinking anti-freeze while listening to kesha sing about partying and glitter and shit

my mom drank antifreeze and she vomited for a good bit so i don't think i should really do something like that unless its for some weird retribution eye-for-an-eye thing. i don't think she'd ever do that to me though. i still feel horrible about it.

i mean theres people with legitimate issues and then there's me doing silly shit like this

but if i did kill myself id probably hang myself or drink a cocktail of cleaning products. hanging is easy and not noticable or loud. i could totally go to a forest or something and just hang myself and noone would notice really. and then drinking cleaning solutions mixed would probably cause my organs to fail almost immediately but theres also the issue of probable vomiting and/or FEELING my bodily functions shut down and id be conscious during it. euugh. 

killing myself does sound nice id admit but i also don't want to cause my parents any sort of financial problems or any psychological issues. cremation is less than a burial but i'm sure they'd decide on a burial for some reason. that and my brother killed himself so that would be the worst thing i could ever do to my mother. my dad too. he didn't seem all that upset when my brother died but maybe he'd feel worse for me. ive read sue klebold's book and the turmoil she experienced after dylan died is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

also i think my friends wouldn't be too happy. my classmates might be indifferent though. "oh that weird quiet girl is dead. that sucks." and they'd be over it in a week.

i think i take myself too seriously sometimes

this is funny

don't stop make it pop dj blow my speakers up 

 i'm supposed to be working on my summer assignment for journalism but i keep getting swept up in checking my last.fm and spotify.

don't wake me up by the hush sound is incredibly nostalgic for me. i associate it with cherry slushie cups and patrick stump and being 13

i wasn't thirteen all that long ago in actuality, but for a teenager that was practically an aeon ago and i kinda miss it despite being miserable

 i really like the donward spiral by nine inch nails

i especially like the layered screaming, and even the melancholic buildup to it throughout the song

i also like the effects added to trent's voice, how dreary "he put the gun up to his facccceeee...bang!" sounds and the slight delay of "face"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauauauuuaaaaaaaaauaaaauuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaauauaooaouauauauaaaaah!

 ville valo has such a gorgeous voice

his accent combined with his high falsetto(?) voice is incredibly soothing

his little flourishes in 'join me' such as his little whoa-oh's or how he pronounces "join me" and that final "this life aint worth livin'' in the bridge add a lot to the song

the instrumental of that song is very powerful and poignant, but never overpowers ville's singing and complements him especially well

the elegant piano is such a great detail, it perfectly suits HIM and their elegant, gothic "love metal"

would you die tonight for loooove

numetal isnt really that bad

 i really like chino moreno's singing on bored by deftones, especially towards the end where he starts screaming. ive always liked his voice despite not being the biggest fan of deftones, and i think it sounds really excellent on this track. 

in particular i like how he can go from singing softly before launching into a screech, which he kinda does on lotion from around teh fur. 

i like how he says "i get booooored!" especially in that second chorus, it's full of desperation

it also helps that deftones has superb instrumentation (i like the riffs and snare drums on adrenaline, atf, and white pony especially)

chino tends to sound exhausted almost. like he's been screaming and his voice is tired/strained but in a great way (e.g. lotion, needles and pins from self titled), and i like how he utilizes it 

(offtopic but needles and pins was one of my first deftones songs, approx early freshman year (aug/sep 22))

i wanna listen to more of them, ive mainly been skipping around from adrenaline-koi no yokan and i rlly want to delve into them

jeah

 sleeping is a really obnoxious thing that i love

lately i've been having these bizarre intrusive dreams about abhorrent shit (usually sexual) that are horrible. don't even know where they came from.

and then sleeping is so difficult because everytime i go to lie down my pillows have to be arranged in a certain way and i have to layer my blankets in a very particular way

that's mainly for the purpose of sensory comfort, like the feeling of something being weighted on me

dunno y, its been a thing since i was a kid

but i also have to make sure that it's not too suffocating or hot, very very strange

 everytime my father calls me or comes over to deliver me snacks i feel a combination of pity and rage towards him

me and my mother left him in that old, decrepit house with cracked tiled floors and no central heating or air conditioning two years ago once she was fed up of his controlling and inane behaviors that she'd put up with for the past ~20 years

everytime we speak he talks about how much he misses me and wants me to call him more often, speak to him and tell him how i've been

i feel godawful every time. i usually forget to speak to him and then i'm reminded of that whenever he calls. 

it's a truly miserable thing because i want to hate him, for all of the suffering and abuse he's caused my mother (and by proxy, me) but i know he's suffering from some mental disorder. he would have delusions that my mother was cheating on him and then act insane (starting arguments, calling her out of her name, being violent). he seems to genuinely love me and wishes the best for me, but it's hard to love him back when i remember all of the horrible things he's done.

i just feel bad for him. whenever i go over to visit him, which is rare, he's living in an empty house. when we left, my mom left him some furniture and dishes. that's all he has. my bedroom is completely emptied and the living room and kitchen are almost barren. it's completely lifeless. he's practically living in squalor and it makes me sad to see him sitting in that miserable place, lonely. there's still cracks in the tiles and pieces of the tiles themselves missing from parts of the floor. 

he grew up having nothing, living in a house where he didn't have his own bedroom and rarely got the snacks and treats he gives me constantly. in the fall i'll be taking classes at the same college he dropped out of.

today he'd shown up after calling me multiple times and i felt horrible for being so dismissive towards him. all he wants is for me to talk to him, since he's lonely and miserable, sitting alone in that sad old house. he had tears in his eyes while he spoke to me and i couldn't face him whatsoever. he'd called me multiple times, probably to tell me he'd brought me food for the pantry as he tends to do, but i didn't want to speak to him for whatever reason (probably something stupid, i remember being angry or irritable). 

that was just plain cruel of me. even though he's done some awful things in the past, which weren't okay at all, i shouldn't give him the cold shoulder. my mom won't talk to him for her own reasons, but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't for whatever reason. i'm the only child of his that isn't an adult/independent and i'm probably the only person that he regularly misses and wants to talk to. i'm probably gonna text him and ask to hangout with him sometime this week. even though i usually forget to speak to him, i'm gonna try to make an effort to reach out to him more than i usually do. he could die tomorrow and i'd regret not interacing with him as much.

he's my father and i should atleast try to rekindle a relationship with him that's not based in hatred or pain