to be honest i don't really know what she gets out of all of this

i wanted to clean the house as preparation if that makes sense

at 7am i got out of bed and completely cleaned my entire room. took my clothes out of my drawers, organized my closet, organized my nightstand, adjusted my sheets. then, i went onto my bathroom and scrubbed down my sink and toilet and tub and later mopped the floor. in the kitchen i cleaned the baseboards and wiped the walls and cleaned the dishes extra well and swept and even vacuumed our tiling before i mopped. i swept the leaves off of our back porch and vacuumed the living room, hallway, and my own room. 

i don't even think my mom noticed. or she did and she just doesn't want to acknowledge it because she's still angry at me and being passive aggressive for some reason. i think she's just looking for something to get angry at.

i feel like sighing and being a little bit annoyed about cleaning out an appliance, which i will admit was lazy on my behalf, probably didn't warrant  screaming in my face and being passive aggressive towards me the following day. 

i went and slashed my wrists pretty badly yesterday. i didn't go too deep but i bled a lot (to the point where i was getting a little concerned) and did a bunch on my arm where some old ones were starting to scab. it was cathartic in a weird way. i just wish my mom would understand that i've been feeling so miserable and lethargic and empty lately but i think she just believes it to be teenage boredom. i wanna tell her directly but i don't know how. 

to be honest i think she'd believe that i was lying for attention, she's done that before. in middle school i remember the school called her on false pretenses that something i said was to be taken as a suicide note (it wasn't, i was definitely thinking of offing myself but i wouldn't put that in any academic writings) and she'd gotten pissed as hell. that and the time she found out i was cutting in the 7th/8th grade. that sucked even worse. 

that and we had a suicide in our immediate family that basically ruined her. she talks about how she's so concerned about me and wants me to be safe but i can't entirely believe that. i feel like she views me as an extension of herself and my brother and she tends to project onto me quite a bit. lots and lots and lots of comparisons. 

and then she has the nerve to say that she's scared that i'll have violent outbursts because i watch violent movies and have a knife collection or something stupid like that. it's not out of genuine concern but probably because she likes/tends to antagonize me and make me out to be some angry and aggressive bitch who loves tormenting her mother personally.

she's making me even worse and i don't know if i see the point in doing any of my assignments leading up to the new school year.